The Eye That Doesn't Blink

Rambling Meditation, 09.20.05

I was running. As usual. I hear my father's voice in my head about some trivial little errand that should've been taken care of months ago, but b/c of circumstance it goes unfinished. And now I hear him from 1,874 miles aways with a disaprroving tone in his voice and here I am 1,874.5 miles away, 42 years away from my death, like a child again. And my other self is yelling at me, "YOU DUMB FUCK!!" For keeping this with you, for not standing up for yourself, for just wanting to hide from this.

I was sitting. At work. And they wanted to critique my work with resources that I have, which are shitty. This is life. And I hear: "You need to grow up", "You need to do for yourself", "Get another job", "Calm down", "(etc.)". And I freeze in the headlights of action like I aways do. This is a wall I can't find a way through.

I was noticing [omitted]. I was noticing...that I always test people who claim unconditional love for me. Will they still love me after?? Are they going to tell me that their love is dependent on my behavior?? When will I stop acting like a child??

This eye that does flinch is me looking at my life disappointed...and my fear prevents my feet from moving. It's a cycle which holds the same answer - Just Do It.

The What-If is my enemy. what am i so scared of...

It's 9:25 pm. And my life will take the turns it's supposed to. I walked into this place and into this space. I've brought my life with me and my "sensabilites". There is emotional fauna and societal flora I don't understand. I want to make peace with myself. I want to feel ok to try and fail. I want to fail.

Emerging from the curtain into the light is something I haven't done since I was 7. Can't see the edge of the stage. I wonder where the stagehands are and if everyone is laughing me. Pretending they are all in their underwear is easy to say when your guard is up, but what happens when love has taken it down. "Do not mistake kindness for weakness" a friend once told me.

I want to overcome this but I don't know how. I sigh and do what I have to do for the rest of the night.