Transitional Fossil

" The question isn't "who is going to let me"; it's "who is going to stop me".
Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The Eye That Doesn't Blink




Rambling Meditation, 09.20.05

I was running. As usual. I hear my father's voice in my head about some trivial little errand that should've been taken care of months ago, but b/c of circumstance it goes unfinished. And now I hear him from 1,874 miles aways with a disaprroving tone in his voice and here I am 1,874.5 miles away, 42 years away from my death, like a child again. And my other self is yelling at me, "YOU DUMB FUCK!!" For keeping this with you, for not standing up for yourself, for just wanting to hide from this.

I was sitting. At work. And they wanted to critique my work with resources that I have, which are shitty. This is life. And I hear: "You need to grow up", "You need to do for yourself", "Get another job", "Calm down", "(etc.)". And I freeze in the headlights of action like I aways do. This is a wall I can't find a way through.

I was noticing [omitted]. I was noticing...that I always test people who claim unconditional love for me. Will they still love me after?? Are they going to tell me that their love is dependent on my behavior?? When will I stop acting like a child??

This eye that does flinch is me looking at my life disappointed...and my fear prevents my feet from moving. It's a cycle which holds the same answer - Just Do It.

The What-If is my enemy. what am i so scared of...

It's 9:25 pm. And my life will take the turns it's supposed to. I walked into this place and into this space. I've brought my life with me and my "sensabilites". There is emotional fauna and societal flora I don't understand. I want to make peace with myself. I want to feel ok to try and fail. I want to fail.

Emerging from the curtain into the light is something I haven't done since I was 7. Can't see the edge of the stage. I wonder where the stagehands are and if everyone is laughing me. Pretending they are all in their underwear is easy to say when your guard is up, but what happens when love has taken it down. "Do not mistake kindness for weakness" a friend once told me.

I want to overcome this but I don't know how. I sigh and do what I have to do for the rest of the night.

5 Comments:

  • At 7:02 AM, September 21, 2005 , Blogger Aydreeyin said...

    I'm feeling your pain. I'm trying to do something that not a lot of people do and there are risks, and of course there are rewards. But the risks...They bring fear and horror sometimes, and the feeling that things as they are now are comfortably OK, and they're not.

    Good luck.

     
  • At 3:18 PM, September 21, 2005 , Blogger 1 said...

    You want to fail-
    but I wonder who is speaking.

    ....The bully is waiting at the mirror.

     
  • At 11:39 AM, September 27, 2005 , Blogger Carrie said...

    hmmmmmmmm...you sound very confused....an inner struggle battling for ages, based on illusions or delusions created from a young age by your overbearing and judgemental father.

    most times parents instil fear and self loathing, disapproval even on their children it is because they themselves were not happy....even if they appeared to be strong and all knowing and confident. a parental facade so to speak.....don't let someone elses fears and expectations intrude on YOUR life....you only have one afterall and before you know it it will have slipped away. do what you want....be who you want....and DO stand up for yourself...NOW and in future, no worries on the past...that is now gone....but who you are and become is all up to you....you create your own destiny and you choose the path to walk on......sucess is not measured by income or power, success is measured by ones happiness in life......be it a poet, a store keeper, or a house wife, doesn't matter as long as you are living life the way you want and feeling good about your choices.

    the stagehands are merely there to assist....never fear them, or the audience...for they too are watching eachother for approval....aren't we all? move forward my friend.....be well.

     
  • At 7:49 AM, September 28, 2005 , Blogger 1 said...

    ummm...I hope that mirror didn't swallow you.

    Come out to play, babe. I miss your posts.

     
  • At 8:08 PM, October 02, 2005 , Blogger Footprint said...

    AYDREEYIN: Thanks. You too. I can somehow feel that you have been there and go there, perhaps unwittingly, every now and then.

    G.D.: Tell me about it. That is one of things I learned in college: You did all this fucked up shit the night before, now get up the next morning and answer to the man in the mirror.
    Wish me luck

    MITZZEE: "You love 'em in blue and you love 'em in red. But most of all you love 'em in red" Happiness, IS what I seek. Re-aligning my perception is always necessary. Thank you for the reminder.

    G.D.: See above.

     

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