Transitional Fossil

" The question isn't "who is going to let me"; it's "who is going to stop me".
Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

Friday, October 07, 2005

Non-Active Meditation 10.7.05

And so I went to squeeze a few drops of piss into the mouth of the porcelain god. It's amazing the desecration and blaphemy and when you need that god the most, the reverence. Then I caught a glimpse of my unshaven self in the mirror. And I had but one thought -

"What the fuck happened to you??"

I have lost my power or rather I have let it go for something a bit more docile and socially acceptable.

"When did this happen??"

I was going to make up some imaginary date with some imaginary signifigance and secretly hope that it was the one true day in ALL of human history upon which no one was born, no one died and nothing happened. and then i reviewed the last two questions again.

And this is what happened..

When I was young I had slight to moderate ADD. My fahter learned me by saying, "sit still or i'll beat ya." I also had a problem knowing when to stop playing or kidding. I would just keep going. Eventually people told me I was going "overboard" when I got to be a little older. So I learned to be calm.

This lasted until I went to college when I exploded and became known as a madman for my ferverency in trying to conjure the most potent moment. Whether it be with sex or drink I was always trying to focus the two, or just one. I created an empire and I was proud of that for a long time.

And after college that empire fell into despotism and eventually was torn down by an invading force, my ex-girlfriend. But that's a longer story than should ever leave my lips again. But the ghosts of what had once been lingered. I had given up my friends, my life, my rounds, my time.

This lingering fixation with my former self lasted until I stopped going to the bar scene b/c welll, like me, it got old. I found pleasure in simple things or so I thought. Whilst I had to come to grips with the bullshit way people in corporations speak to one another. "If you fail to use the proper voice inflection, then we will not do business with the likes of you..."
To me and my psyche the only attainment of change and catalyst must come from the outside. And so I put 125,000 on my car going places. But now even I am getting bored about the direction this going.


THE POINT: I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I had given up parts of me in exchange for acceptance into a society that I hate. The structure, the hypocrisy, the brutality of the weak. I always hear about how compromise is for grown-ups. What ever happpened to not compromising what you want to do with you life, the decisions you make. I fucking need a bat. I feel like I have lost so much personal power in my journey.

Now, I am with a woman of unbelievable beauty, intelligence and compassion who I love and she loves me. A new life to begin and my toes crinckle at the line. I hesitate to embrace this opportunity and my blessings. I find myself asking other people, "What should I do with my life??" I hate this hesitation and this fear. I am like an animal that has been kept too long and I want to rage against it. RAGE! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

I am the ONLY one who can change this for me. I must do what I feel is right. People tell me that I can't take criticism.

Yea, fuckers, I know that. Teach me.

I am told that picking at people who are trying to criticize you is the first thing you do when you are wrong. But what if that person is criticizing you for soemthing that they do themselves?? And does it fucking matter?? Does it matter who right and who's wrong?? Frozen, in the moment, it does. Ah, shit. To the Universe, I scoff and doubt it.

But I digress.

Ok. My meditation is over. I curl my lip and think. Only think, that's what I do.

Next come The Rules.

Playlist for today:

Blood and Roses by the Smithereens
Games Without Frontiers by Peter Gabriel
Born Too Slow by The Crystal Method
Here Comes the HotStepper by Ini Kamoze
Sabotage by the Beasties
Smack My Bitch Up by Protege
The Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson
Pay to C*m by Bad Brains
N.W.O. by Ministry
The Israelites by Desmond Dekker
Redeption Song by Bob Marley


  • At 7:07 AM, October 09, 2005 , Blogger Lolita's Angel said...

    - Just a passing thought,we all go through the same things, you phrase it better than I possibly could, and yet, they are, or at least seem, to be the same.
    Or is that just the programmed ability to be empathetic?
    Neo said that those who ultimately succeed (whatever that may be) are those who are amazingly unreasonable. I prefer selfish.

  • At 12:55 PM, October 10, 2005 , Blogger 1 said...

    Estas viviendo adentro de ti mismo.

    El infinito y su poder se encuentran afuera.

  • At 8:37 AM, October 11, 2005 , Blogger Footprint said...

    El amor es el nico tesoro que no se saca con pico y pala.

  • At 10:29 AM, October 11, 2005 , Blogger 1 said...

    De verdad??

    Yo, como una idiota, he estado en esta puta mina de la vida por siglos...buscando y buscando.

    Y ahora que? ;-)

  • At 11:22 AM, October 11, 2005 , Blogger Footprint said...

    Jo: Being selfish is what leads to suffering says the Buddha. Neo had his own path. I have mine. This is my way of learning how not to be selfish.

    G.D.: I have no idea what I wrote or what you wrote b/c my spanish sucks. Officially. You are matching wits and language skills with an unarmed person. Talk to you soon. Asta la pasta.

  • At 1:04 PM, October 11, 2005 , Blogger 1 said...

    My point precisely. May I sugggest a dictionary? ;-)

    It's not just your Spanish that sucks.


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