Transitional Fossil

" The question isn't "who is going to let me"; it's "who is going to stop me".
Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

Sunday, October 30, 2005

This Post Will Not Make Sense to You

And as we come to end of perception. This two pathed precipice of right and wrong. I chew on a coffee KitKat and think of something else that does not matter.

Today I wanted to write some and thought I knew not what to write, I want to write what I don't know anyway. How do I feel?? So tired of asking this question and thinking that people noticing is going to make me happy.

I am sitting. I am reading. I am feeling the beer drain out of me and the sugar take over the veins in my legs and we sit (me, myself and I) and ponder the questions:

What are you going to do with your life and are you going to do it??
and
Will it matter??

Do you have to purchase approval from loved ones about the seal you make with your life?? What lines of consideration are worth crossing and which ones are worth crossing out?? Too many times does my mind wander to the wanderlust, the slash and burn of my scythe of cycnicism and the urge to pop 700M more Fukitol.

They know not of me and that is a good thing.
They know not of me so it is a bad thing.

I hate money.


Stomach gurgling and I step forward and backward in my world realizing that any minute I will slip into cha-chahing. Are the gods there and do they care but I know they are and I have left my scars on the altar of the past for consuption by the last person in my life who wants me "to be just like them." Run on. Run away.

It's not the holiday. It's not a fight. With the anonymity of the masks we have comes freedom of responsibility, consequence and growth. the yelling is closer and I go to the bathroom to shore up this bubble of silence. Do you believe that there was a time I was afraid to shit for more than 15 minutes in total.

I have often written of fear and it's fear of fearing my life. I have always made this vow, again and again. It's like reminding myself I have to clean the inside of my car. I'll do it tomorrow. Still waiting on all these things.

Like the wig on the back of a doorknob left too long after Halloween, the wonder grows if you wear it every day anyway just to get use out of it. Sounds of steps and the twisting "hi" and then "i'll leave you alone." I chase after my hope as she slams the door, saying "Goddamn it" under my breath in frustration of being misunderstood again. Or am I trying to please these ideas in my head again??

How far passed the edge can you go before you fall?? I guess it depends on whether or not you look down.

You will not understand this post. It will not make sense to you. It makes no sense to me. So I will just continue to be angry.

19 Comments:

  • At 11:29 PM, October 30, 2005 , Blogger 1 said...

    Foot, It makes sense to me. Out here watching, trying to relate. I too have indulged in complete self-absorption. It's a dangerous thing...loosing site of the big picture. The drama, completely intoxicating.

    I don't usually take long shits either. Not because I'm afraid, but because I have too much to do. Can't spend my precious life, sitting on a toilet counting the minutes it takes to get rid of my own waste. Too much to do and I'm certain, it will turn out to be, when the time comes, too little time.

    On the edge? Maybe take flight. Run away. Or maybe you should back away enough to see that it is not a cliff, but merely just a step.

    The only approval you need is your own. You were born free to come and go. The rest is just an illusion.

    Be free.

     
  • At 6:17 AM, October 31, 2005 , Blogger Footprint said...

    G.D.: It's not flight in the physical sense. It is the fleeing of the new reality coming my way. I was busy for a long time, til i realized the pervasiveness of some forces deliberately draining my energy. And then I came here where I am loved and welcomed. But there as the old rules fell away, the more it seems they were still there in new forms.
    My conflict comes NOT from wanting to just drop this new paradise but from trying to integrate this new perception and adapt. I keep thinking I was done adapting but it never ends.
    The step looks bigger than I thought. I woke up this morning feeling that it is not that big. That is was something I could handle and that I should take it head on. And this is part of me. And that is what I hate, being misunderstood. But this is my life as such. And as such needing the approval of others to understand me, lest they treat me differently. It's a cycle.
    "Why can't you just communicate so people can understand you??"
    Because I don't speak their language. If I go out of my way to communicate to and understand them, then why can't they do the same??
    But I know where I am. I know what I have to do. It's 8:00 and the sun is up.
    G.D., I don't want to go. I want to climb this step and grow as a person. I want to feel all the fear and anxiety that comes with it as well as the elation from overcoming it.

    True freedom comes from within. Not from where you are standing.

     
  • At 9:08 AM, October 31, 2005 , Blogger 1 said...

    Whew...For a second there, I thought I'd find you dead on my toilet, in desperate need of mouth-to-mouth resucitation.

    I don't mind the mouth-to-mouth, but I have to draw the line when it comes to ending it all on the toilet. I'd have to let you go.

    lol

     
  • At 9:09 AM, October 31, 2005 , Blogger Footprint said...

    and to think that i offered to hold your hair that time...

    but when you gotta go...ya gotta go...

     
  • At 12:40 PM, November 01, 2005 , Blogger Aydreeyin said...

    The gap between planning and doing any action looks large, insurpassable even, but it really isn't. You have to start the action and then keep going, not until you finish (that's not important), but until you've completed the action to your satisfaction and there is nothing else left to do.

    Just another simple lesson I relearn everytime I finish fixing or building or installing something in my home. If only I could apply it to my own life everyday, I'd be a much better person.

     
  • At 6:38 PM, November 01, 2005 , Blogger Footprint said...

    Aydreeyin:
    Driven by daemonic, cthonic
    Powers. And right action is freedom
    From past and future also.
    For most of us, this is the aim
    Never here to be realised;
    Who are only undefeated
    BBecause we have gone on trying;
    We, content at last
    If our temporal reversion nourish
    (Not too far from the yew-tree)_
    The life of significant soil.

    T.S. Eliot

     
  • At 7:16 PM, November 01, 2005 , Blogger Aydreeyin said...

    Thank you for that. I've never read that poem by TS Eliot.

     
  • At 10:56 AM, November 03, 2005 , Blogger Footprint said...

    yea, i picked that book up by accident and i can't get away from every revelation he puts forth.

     
  • At 2:59 PM, November 04, 2005 , Blogger Lolita's Angel said...

    Why is family the place where politics is the most important game?
    Why is the question more important than the answer?
    hmm...good point though - why achieve?
    May I use the "approval, seal of life, lines of consideration" paragraph?

     
  • At 6:29 PM, November 05, 2005 , Blogger STP said...

    This round is on the Swayer...drink up, cheer up and leave the pondering to the grown-ups.

     
  • At 6:44 AM, November 07, 2005 , Blogger Footprint said...

    LOLA: The family politics are most important b/c they are the ones you care about. The question is more important because the answer stops you from thinking. Or perhaps could lead to other questions...
    Use what you like just give me credit. S'always been the policy.

    SWAYER: Excellent idea!! Feel better.

     
  • At 9:52 AM, November 08, 2005 , Blogger Admin said...

    I understand, no no I really do. But I can't put this in words, not just yet. I need to deliberate over what comes from finger to keyboard.

    Meanwhile, endeavour proudly. Inhale and enjoy. You can always jump off for a short while, but be careful, sometimes the ride is hard to jump back on.

     
  • At 7:28 PM, November 08, 2005 , Blogger RahX said...

    You are all far, far above me.

    *plays in the sand*

     
  • At 9:15 PM, November 08, 2005 , Blogger Labbie said...

    You're right. It didn't make sense. But it did, at the same time, if you can believe that. Thanks.

     
  • At 8:08 AM, November 10, 2005 , Blogger Footprint said...

    ADMIN: Get back to me when you figure it out. The hardest part about jumping back on is not hitting your balls on the saddle horn.

    RahX: It's all pespective. *searches for swingset*

    LABBIE: Yes, i can relate to the paradox which accompanies me everywhere. Hee.

     
  • At 12:37 PM, November 10, 2005 , Blogger Jilleyn said...

    You had me at coffee KitKat.

     
  • At 3:27 PM, November 10, 2005 , Blogger isis said...

    Mmm, yes, hate asking myself how I feel all the time. Gets rather old.
    Try and not think too much, it will just make you go crazy.

    I've read some of your other posts. You're a good writer. Keep writing, even if it feels like stuff you're pulling outta your ass.

    Hope you're feeling better.

     
  • At 3:13 PM, November 12, 2005 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    like it.

    that makes sense to me.

     
  • At 12:00 PM, November 14, 2005 , Blogger Footprint said...

    JILLEYN: My gf and I christened our coffee this weekend with St. Brenden's liquour. It was a pleasant religious experience.

    ISIS: Um, yea. unfortunately I have what we call "Monkey Brain". It' s a condition where one's mind works overtime all the time. SO, in the past I have tried sleep-deprivation, which usually works. I also try to focus my energy on other things. Crazt just comes naturally.
    Thank you for the compliment. My ass does hurt from pulling sometimes. Have to stop entering those contests.

    ANON: Thank you. But ask yourself, if it didn't make sense, would you still like it.

     

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