Transitional Fossil

" The question isn't "who is going to let me"; it's "who is going to stop me".
Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

In the Cave Suspended

"Thou art a Man/.../ Thy own humanity/ Learn to adore/ For that is my/ Spirit of Life/ Awake to arise to Spiritual Strife..."
-William Blake.

There is a need for self-improvement. Old habits and all that shit. Directions shrouded in distance. I am unfamiliar with the routes I usually demand that others arrive to my bookmarked place in the process - things are now reversed. Always the contrast shunted by perspective, precipitating growth.

I've always felt that struggle with any kind of demon was necessary. Complacency brought on by contentment is an enemy of personal development. Restlessness in my being has brought me drama and sorrow, but I continue to pursue it. "Why??," I ask myself. I never, truly, have fathomed an answer. This need to do many things produces fraternal twin results. One, it adds a texture to life. Without change and challenge, learning of the self does not take place. Second, my imagination, my "gift" is fed. Without a revolving experience, subconscious gathering is stunted. However, I have come to realize, most recently that certain demons no longer belong. They have lingered at the temple, to make the faithful evermore pious; but now the residents are disciplined and no longer require such a rigorous trial. Time to move to better things.

"And the truth is all there is". Getting to it, at this particular time in my life, has been very frustrating. Like digging through granite with a crayon. Perhaps the answer, like all things lies within. But, quite honestly, I have no idea. It's not that I don't recognize the value of revision in my own life, nor dismiss the necessity of it. Rather the actual execution, the machinations of change is what I struggle to find. The actual cause, the mindfulness of decision in relation to the new boundaries of my life, I seem to be lacking training in that particular area. Where does one get such training?? This "common sense" about certain situations was not imparted to me as I have become this...human.

In the end desire is not enough. Knowledge is elusive and my frustration is looking for at least a lamppost to see itself. Though I can feel it. To-morrow will arrive and the need to be thankful will reach its zenith according to old people with funny hats. One should always be thankful and joyful, and most importantly hopeful.


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