Coughing on the Dust From the Breath of Life

From the inside out I will begin from within. I came to the very real conclusion that though I am not lazy I have been waiting. Waiting for the time when all the elements would be right and it would be safe to come out.

By the time I reached 28 I realized that this would never happen. As some have you may have read I retreated to the boy inside, emotionally, pretending to be on crutches, who could not stand on his own. This scared little boy who had been so frustrated as a child and teased that he cried. And cried until Hated came to protect the boy.
Hated and boy became friends. I grew to moderate manhood and graduated to the circle of Sarcasm; which fed itself without end.

This is from within. So stepping outside. He had some ambition, no direction. Everything was valid. He just wanted to make money. He wanted to make money. He did and didn’t. He grew in small steps over the years and stopped. Along the way he gathered and patched together the final notion that working for companies is a waste of effort. And he let go. The world seemed to let go at the same time. Let go of being human and using erasers because no one made mistakes any more. No one forgave or understood anyone they weren’t related to.

Drawing a line from the inside out is to understand ones perspective within ones world. The concepts of infinite possibility, mind over matter, karma, will, destiny, fate, process and necessary evil are the periphery to understanding. These are steps in the snow, flagstones to be uncovered by shoveling. Trying not to be the victim of my own past. Escape attempts from the hedged prison of upbringing. Rewiring the short circuits and switches and mechanisms placed inside over the years.

Where are we now?? I, am, here. Recently I was in a situation of great exhaustion. I could not leave as I was bound to stay. I had depleted my standard operating energy and partial reserves. There was nowhere to run. I was a tiny bit scared that I could not complete the task, being as physical as it was. I wanted to abandon the success I had built up through the day and say, “ah, fuck it. It’s not worth it.” But I had to stay. And I stayed. I was there a total of twelve hours on my knees, my stomach, my feet and hands. I sat down perhaps five minutes of every hour. And I finished.

Four days prior to this my Love and I had a discussion about our dispositions in life, as was sorely needed. I had made a decision to mark my place in existence. I have several endeavors to which I have pledged myself and this needs to be done. That boy needs to stand and realize that it’s ok if his ankles are weak. His knees are wobbly. He may very well fall again and again. As long as he picks himself up.

The fear is overcome by anger and focus. Why have I wasted so much time?? Why do I let the words of others carry so much weight rather than uphold my own counsel??

This is my life.

This, is my life.

This is, my life