Transitional Fossil

" The question isn't "who is going to let me"; it's "who is going to stop me".
Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Throwing



Quicksand
Being picked on is not a social phenomenon in America. Mine merely took the more psychological path of frustrating me and making me paranoid. My daily moistened cheeks sowed the seeds of laughter of mockery for outsiders. Evenutally, I learned the art of hate and how to project fear. It fed itself, hardening into a suit of armor. Didn't need to pick up a gun. I held the sword of sarcasm.

Rug Missing. If found...
Round the end of high school I began studying Taoism. And how surprised was I that words, actions, bullshit, just doesn't matter. Everything is immaterial and transient. This too shall fade. "Bend likea reed in the wind." What truly mattered was doing anonymous good deeds and feeding the pleasures of the belly. The hate faded and was replaced with a knowing smile.

Eventually
Discovering the jagged pieces and lush valleys of my world led to my previous present view. As a person I am laid back, subdued. Not a whole lot matters. But go out of your way to come into my circle to hurt me and you will be hurt. The problem is there is no middle ground. Assertiveness sides with the Low Self Esteeem and tends to stay in bed most days. So this leaves Yours Truly with a slow fuse and a habit of popping his top due to lack of communication.

Throwing the Clay of Personality Change
So I have become a referee (yes, joined the Dark Side) for high school wrestling. This enables me to be assertive and to think critically. At work, my boss tells me to stop being such a nice guy. All this hostility is really wasted on coaches and other people who are being hostile in the economy because they think they need to protect themselves. My question is: where does it end?? The fear of being taken advantage of?? The anger that someone has hurt you?? Is it worth all this to be forceful and angry all the time??

And somewhere in between, is me. Just tryin' to figure it out for myself. I can hardly imagine how others must feel.

posted by Footprint @ 12/15/2005 06:38:00 AM  

6 Comments:

  • At 2:30 PM, December 15, 2005 , Blogger -G.D. said...

    the "healing"... very difficult to achieve, when you see the patterns re-appear.

    this was beautifully written...great work

     

  • At 7:47 AM, December 17, 2005 , Blogger Rae Ann said...

    Wow! "Assertiveness sides with the Low Self Esteeem and tends to stay in bed most days. So this leaves Yours Truly with a slow fuse and a habit of popping his top due to lack of communication."

    That describes me to a T. It's reassuring to find that others feel the same way and can express it in a way that makes such sense!

     

  • At 9:04 PM, December 17, 2005 , Blogger Lupus Latrocinium said...

    Where does it end? -It ends when you view the world through more moderate eyes; though I love absolutes, they are not practical. It ends when you can view the world through knowing your worth, accepting the power to change what you dislike about yourself, embracing the present and consciously deciding to change what you can. Self creation is probably the greatest power we have, but it can't be done yesterday or tommorrow, gotta be done in the present.
    People are hostile because they are insecure-afraid of being hurt, fearful of being let down, self concious, etc. We as individuals can overcome those insecurities by simply not giving a shit(ah, the profound and the profane...ain't it great?). Sounds simple, and it is, but for some it takes effort. Don't listen to the useless voices of your past handed down from authority figures, you may be paying them too much mind wether you know it or not; monitor/review your internal dialouge for clues regarding how&why you handled a situation in whatever manner: Good or bad. -Decent behavior leaves tracks just as bad ones do. Train your mind to recognize when your brain is going toward the bad places as well as the good, and guide it the best you can. We are not slaves to our subconscious, we are its' creator and editor.
    Assertivness often likes to be lazy unfortunately, and it tends to manifest it's lazy ways in completly different ways in different people. Again;watch it. See when it engages positivly, see when it engages negatively, and try to learn how it behaves and how to guide it.
    Getting more specific, never alow yourself to descend to another's level of fear/insecurity/arrogance/anger etc. ....they all come from fear in most cases. I.E. I recently found myself engaged in a heated conversation, my anger rose and I degenerated to profane laguage and insults. Which only provoked others to do the same. I took an internal step back, calmed down and realized the futility of the matter. I had allowed my fear of being insulted to make me insult! So I chilled, informed my insignifigant argumentative gnat of a person that I 'Had no desire to pursue the current pointless disagreement' (His mind was obviously obtuse and unable to percieve beyond his fears), and went on to thank him for reminding me why I should never allow myself to descend to another's juvenile standards.
    This of course left the poor dope completly stupified and silenced. And I got to laugh my ass off at the whole situation.
    Had I allowed it to escalate...well, you know me Footprint. I would have ended up regretting knocking the snot out of a lesser man, and not had the pleasure of laughing at him. So to shorten that shit up: Keep your cool.
    And follow your experiences back down the thought/emotion processes that spawned them. You can learn a lot by just watching your own mind.

     

  • At 11:31 AM, December 19, 2005 , Blogger Footprint said...

    ISIS: Appearances can be deceiving. Ask G.D. I'm a "nice" guy. Not really. Taoism was in HS. Moved on from there. But as G.D. always points out to me, all of the higher philosphies in the world, regardless of geographical location, all say the exact same thing - Put Up or Shut Up.

    G.D.: You are so right about patterns. There was a Middle Ages poet, female, who wrote about the patterns of station and social condemnation about marriage to certain people. It's a long piece and at one point she asks, "Jesus, what are patterns for??". I am pleased that you enjoy my work.

    LORRAINE: Yes, the perpetual cycle of violence, hazing, abuse is a never-ending wheel it seems. Its motion can only be stemmed through understanding . "Strange game. The only winning move is not to play". Thanks for visiting.

    RAE ANN: I try to make sense when I can. But it's such a scarce commodity in this realm, it seems, that its usefulness is not valued. I have been encouraged many times to communicate my feels but it just feels like bitching half the time. Although recently, I have to say that such a small release is excellent coupled with its counterpart of venting on the other party's end as well.

    L.L.: First, thanks for visiting. Second, all submissions must be double-spaced and sent to the Submissions Department. Yes, I can hear you saying "Fuck You" from across the country. Now, to what you wrote (and thanks for all the effort you put it by placing it here. Thank You).
    I think you're right. Self-creation and understanding does push away the need for these absolutes as fear-checkers. '...ah, the profound and the profane...ain't it great? yes, this describes you to a T, my friend. HAHAHAHAHA. Yes, I too agree (which is why I think we're friends) that dismissing such negative emotions and dealing with the source to overcome them seems to be an excellent strategy. The wind whips across the surface of the ocean, yet does not disturb the fish. The Tsunami parts the waves of the wind without a care to arrive at its destination.
    Train your mind to recognize when your brain is going toward the bad places as well as the good, and guide it the best you can. We are not slaves to our subconscious, we are its' creator and editor. Damn. This may be too much profundity for my brain to handle right now. But seriously That first sentence rings true. To me, it's a re-direction of energy. You can choose to put all your energy into drinking or not going to work to do smack or some other function. OR you can say hey, this needs to be done instead of that. It may not be easier but it is more production and it is good medicine.
    Assertiveness seems to only engage negatively for me when it just runs away in the face of an agressive force. To me, I need to be more assertive in the face of aggressiveness. This would serve me better.
    "...went on to thank him for reminding me why I should never allow myself to descend to another's juvenile standards..." And then you smote him bloody...
    Kidding.
    I am slowly learning to try and understand people better. To relieve my fear and not let it be an attack dog of sorts. I am, as always, greatful for your perspective and wisdom.

     

  • At 3:45 AM, December 25, 2005 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    You erased my comment. No water under your bridge.

    Interesting.

    fallenstar

     

  • At 5:18 PM, December 26, 2005 , Blogger Footprint said...

    FALLENSTAR: To be vague is human, to specify is difficult. Aquarians bestow their water in order to be beneficient. Perhaps you need to be more specific...
    Are you worshipful or profane??

     

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